The Session

I was pretty worried when arrived to the destination. Previous reading of numerous articles and forums about Ayahuasca did not calm me down. The people I met here shared their experience and empathized when heard that it is going to be my first time. The main thing that I made out of communicating with people was that "everything is going to be completely differently than you expect." But I understood the true meaning of this phrase only later…

In spite of everything, I was determined. Finally, the agonizing expectation came to an end, and after a short preparatory ceremony of fumigation we went into the hall and sat in a circle. There were a lot of people. After the introductory speech of the shaman, people began to approach him and drink Ayahuasca. My turn was almost at the very end. Since this was my first time, I was given a small dose. I picked up a glass, mentally uttered my pre-prepared intentions for this session, and drank Ayahuasca in one gulp. I was warned that Ayahuasca is one of the most disgusting things on the Earth. Although it seemed to me yucky, but quite tolerable.

I returned to my seat, sat down and began to wait. Time passed, but there was no significant effect that I expected for. People around me began to vomit, one after another, but not me. At some point I began to see some patterns when I closed my eyes. The patterns changed rapidly and were meaningless for me. According to surrounding sounds, other people had their experience in full swing, and I had nothing but these pictures. I was already thinking of drinking a second portion of Ayahuasca, when suddenly I felt a strong effect in my head, as if some powerful force wrapped around my brain with a strong grip. For a moment I seemed to be in some other reality, but quickly came back.

I did not expect such a sudden and powerful effect, and I was frightened. I reached for the bucket and tried to puke, but nothing came out. I tried to help myself with two fingers. During the vomiting spasm for a moment it seemed to me that I was not barfing into a bucket, but into a black infinite Cosmos. But again, I only caused vomiting spasms but nothing came out. Nevertheless, after that I came to my senses. I refused to drink the second and third cup of Ayahuasca because I felt uneasy due to such unexpected and powerful effect.

The next day we gathered in the same room to share our impressions and to integrate the experience. People around me told exciting stories that happened to them during the session, shared amazing experiences, and I, as always, had nothing to say. I felt disappointed with the last session. After all, I came here not for dancing patterns... But I decided to stay for the second session, and if I do not get the desired effect from the first dose of Ayahuaska, I'll definitely drink the second one.

The only thing I took from the first session was the decision to change all my pre-prepared intentions for the second session to other one. The new intention was Love.

On this day, I almost did not sleep after a sleepless night and was very tired. And besides, I was worried again. I was worried that my tired and worried state would affect the outcome of the session. But there was nothing to do, because I was determined to continue.

The second time the shaman gave me a normal dose. I mentally asked Ayahuaska to show me Love, but do it gently, and drank to the bottom. I returned to my seat and began to wait.

After a while, pleasant warmth spread through my body. I began to see patterns again, but this time they changed smoothly, and were much more pleasant for perception. This lasted perhaps forty minutes. Everyone around me vomited, but I just sat and enjoyed the pleasant warmth in the body and the patterns. The feeling was very pleasant. I decided to drink a second portion, so I sat and waited for it. Suddenly some powerful force squeezed my brain. I decided not to panic and try to surrender to this force. My body began to swing a little from side to side. I tried to throw up bending over the bucket, but there was no vomiting, and I decided not to induce vomiting by my fingers. I saw that the shaman poured the second dose of Ayahuasca to those who wished, but it was last thing I'm worried about. It is difficult to explain the feeling at that moment. My body began to somehow turn inside out, and it became more and more painful!

I was already on all fours by the time, swaying from side to side. One of the shaman's assistants noticed this and suggested taking me out into the fresh air. I agreed. Two people helped me to stand up and took me outside, I could not stand without help. Coming out, I felt that I had completely lost control of my body, and despite the fact that I was being led by two people, I collapsed to the ground as if I had been knocked down.

It was not just a fall of the body. When my body was already on the ground, my consciousness continued to fall for a few more seconds after the body, collapsing inside of itself. It was a complete collapse of my consciousness. When the fall inside itself ended, there was only a small spark of consciousness, watching the ruins of what used to be me, my personality.

To say that I felt anxious is an understatement. It was terrible. The contemplation of the ruins of my own consciousness was something beyond the bounds. I thought something like: "Well, I finished badly!" After a while I felt that I was being carried somewhere. I was put on the mat, and someone tried to bring me to life. After some time I regained control of the body, but as it turned out my torment was only just beginning...

I was racked. My body was turned inside out. It lasted a long time. I fell through somewhere, saw some images, scenes, events, then came back again. I moaned, begged for it to end soon. I asked the assistant not to leave me alone. I remember after a while I was on a couch standing next to me on the veranda. I then crawled off to the floor, then climbed back. I was very ill. Perhaps, I've never been so bad in my life.

I could not accept the reality of Ayahuaska. I thought at that moment that I’m just suffering from a severe overdose, and vowed never to do it again. I suffered and waited for it to finally end. There was a bottle of water near to me, I drank from it, but it did not help at all. I bowed several times over the bucket, but I could not vomit. Then the assistant who was with me said: "Help yourself with your fingers." That's exactly what I did. And only then it all began...

I put two fingers into my throat and vomited for the first time. And after that, the true reality of Ayahuaska finally opened to me. Everything has changed dramatically. Physically, I stayed at the same place next to the bucket, but my perception of reality changed completely. I felt that I needed to vomit again, but this time it happened by itself, without the help of fingers. I suddenly realized that my vomiting is a deep purification process that cleans not only my body, but also my soul. Before every vomit, I had a picture of what aspect of my life and my soul is being cleansed. During vomiting, I saw a huge snake beside me with a head that looked more like a dragon's head, which spewed out the poison at the same time as me.

All aspects of my soul and my body underwent deep purification. I vomited as never before in my life. It is strange, but I did not feel disgust at this process. On the contrary, if I did not resist the will of Ayahuaska, but followed her, every vomiting even gave satisfaction. If I tried to restrain it or somehow resist, the snake that I saw opened his mouth and showed me teeth. Then I stopped resisting and quickly let myself go, and everything turned out easily and naturally.

I realized soon that everything that happened and happens to me at the session is not an overdose, and not a punishment, but a lesson given to me by Ayahuaska. I remember thinking then: "What a cruel lesson you give me, Ayahuasca!"

The first couple of times I vomited water that I drank before. Then, when the stomach was already empty, I vomited quite a bit of liquid resembling bile or gastric juice. In one of the last times I realized that now I am going to purify all my past lives. I saw a horrible disgusting image, some kind of tangle of blood, dirt and something vile. All this rose from inside and came out through vomiting as a huge amount of liquid. I still do not understand where this liquid came from, because the stomach was completely empty by that time. It was late at night and I have not eaten since the morning. Nevertheless, I knew for sure that it was a purification of all negativity, all the bad things that I did in past lives. I mentally asked for forgiveness from everyone I harmed in past lives, and also forgave everyone.

I realized that I had completely cleared myself. My body, my soul, and my karma were pure.

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